The Marysueing of those poor fellowship children
by PBandJay
Summary: Since not one single itsy little person has decided to marysue the heck outta LOTR, PB and Jay will.....shrugs thats it.....go read.....R&R : D
1. that first one

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters in this story, but Duh my own. I haven't a thing to do with Lotr in any way shape or form.  
  
Lets just jump right in then. We join our pathetically ill-formed fellowship at a time in their journey when nothing spectacular was happening.....after Rivendell, but before Moria and the mountain, you know....so in the woods somewheres.  
Aragorn and Gandalf led the pack, talking and walking, and musing and stepping and thinking and moving and chatting and...well you get the idea. Frodo and the other hobites stumbled along slowly behind them, their tired hobby feet....well tired from walking. Legolas walked behind them barely making a dent in the wet ground, and behind him, Boromir, trudging along and carrying way more than he should have brought for such a journey...and lastly, bringing up the rear to this hippopotamus shaped figure of manly men, was Gimli, the dwarf with a heart of gold.  
A twig snapping in the woods deeper caused Aragorn to stop, and thus the others stopping behind him.  
"Halt.....I hear something." He drew his sword slowly ready to fight, but then....hand cramp! He cursed loudly and dropped it as a lost orc burst trough the tree's!  
"Oh...hey...dudes. I...well its kinda silly, but I got myself lost! Do you guys know where Moria is?" The orc snarled viciously, scratching at his bulbous head.  
"....He's headed right for us!!!" They all screeched and started to back away, unable to possibly defend themselves and too stunned to look away.  
"I was ju-"His strange savage threats were cut off as an arrow struck him in the chest from behind, puncturing his nasty orc skin. They all stared, flabbergasted as the scene unfolded. The orc fell down like some hideously gross dead beast curtain in a hellish play to reveal an elvish beauty standing behind him. They collectively gasped. Maybe it was the heat waving off the dead orc corpse or those strange mushrooms pip told them to eat earlier, but she shone like a ray of golden sun.  
Her long blond hair was tied loosely behind her, with some strands falling into her horribly bright face, like so many old yellow rotten corn shanks on to an old tan farm floor that no one cares for anymore. And oh, her face.  
Her pink lips were parted slightly like two pink leaves shaped like pretty lips, her eyes, greener than the forest around them sparkled like a thousand emeralds on fire in the great emerald fire of 89' . Her perfectly sculpted cheek bones rivaled that of a thousand of Legolas' and her long body swayed and curved like a swaying and curvy line under a simultaneously demure and hoeish green tunic, tied at the waist with a brown sash.  
And lastly her legs, they stretched down to the ground covered by delicate thin brown leggings and tall boots.  
"Stupid orc.......Moria is so far away." She got a distant look in her eyes and smiled at them.  
"Thank you kind elf-lady. Who are you?" Aragorn said, managing to pick up his sword.  
"I am Dutchesscountessprincess Arsalqueridelwen the 23rd.....and sadly...the last." She gave a small delicate sigh that sounded more like a burp and they all swooned.  
"What brings you to these woods?" Legolas asked staring at her like she was a magic eye picture that needed figuring out to see the 3d picture.(It's a spaceship....)  
"Alas...my home town, from a land far off and away has been destroyed. I came to seek Elrond, my uncles-brothers-cousins-fourth cousin on my fathers left hand side....for we are close....and tell him of my plight."  
"How tragic...." Frodo managed to utter out, his eyes as wide as cheap blue saucers staring at her beauty.  
She wiped a slowly rolling crystal tear from her cheek and tossed it away for others to pick up and nodded slowly.  
"Indeed......anwyho....he knew of my great power as an elf archer, at such a young age too, and told me to go find you incase you needed help." An unexplained wind tossed her delicate corn stalk looking hair up into the air to dance with the clouds like they cared.  
"Um....but Mary..." Gandalf started.  
"Oh, Arsalqueridelwen please.." She smiled and nodded for him to continue.  
"Right.....how did you find us? We ourselves have journeyed for days and.....well....dude these woods are huge."  
Her delicate lips pouted and she turned away.  
"It is a miracle indeed........." She stared off again, her long eyelashes fluttering in the, again, unexplained wind. Gandalf started to speak again but Gimli grabbed his arm.  
"Just let it go man......just let it go.." He said nodding. Gandalf rolled his eyes.  
"whatev..." He cleared his throat.  
"Yes, well we should be moving along......what with the ring....and impending doom and all." He started to walk again, Gimli close behind.  
  
The journey - dooon't stop believin'- continued on until night fell and they could walk no more. All day they had listened, enchanted to Arsalqueridelwen's tales from her town and how she traveled here, occasionally, another crystal tear would fall from her eye and spill on to the ground for someone else to slip in and thank her for bringing them closer to the earth.....*ahem* They decided to make camp in a perfect clearing in the woods. This so called clearing happened to be devoid of monsters, mud, dirt, twigs and any other crap to hinder their comfort.  
"The earth itself blesses you Arsalqueridelwen by showing us the way to this place." Legolas smiled at her.  
"Gawd, I hate nature." She muttered, dusting off a spot in vain and sitting down.  
"Pardon?"  
"Erm....I said.....oh....glad...we...get...this nurture...." She gave a dazzling smile with a mouth full of teeth white and shiny like buffed shiny chiclets. He swooned and went to find fire wood. The misc. Hobbit's fell asleep quickly on the ground, having nothing else important to do in the story....er....in the clearing. Frodo sat alone staring down at his hands.  
"I need a manicure." He said softly to himself.  
"Yeah you do..." Arsalqueridelwen appeared behind him, able to walk as softly on the ground as a rapid breeze.....except when it catches hold of the leaves, causing them to rustle and make noise......then its not quiet at all.  
"What?" He turned quickly, startled by her.  
"I said we all have important things to do Frodo..." She smiled sweetly and his heart grew warm....and warmer, and warmer, until a burning sensation filled his chest!  
"Ouch! She's a witch!!" He shrieked and ran off to find water. The others looked up from the fire they built.  
"What?" Aragorn said, speaking for the first time since he had last spoken.  
"Uhm, nothing!" She smiled and stood back up, headed towards where they were sitting, joining them around the fire to toast elfmallows and tell spooky stories.  
  
What lies in wait for out crew next....only the mysterious chapter two knows! Dun dun dun!! -PBee and Jay say: R&R 


	2. its good and good for you

Last time on Mary fellowship of the Sue ring:  
"Don't touch that! It's a bomb! Were gonna die!!" Frodo shrieked like a shrill mouse. Boromir slapped him and grabbed his shoulders.  
"Get a hold of yourself man!" He yelled, shaking Frodo.  
  
"Im pregnant..." Gimli sputtered out, drunk and exhausted......exhausted from lying. Merry was stunned, he grabbed Gimli and hugged him tight like a security blanket.  
"Don't worry, we'll get through this......we'll get through this dammit." He said, rocking a crying Gimli back and forth.  
  
"Noooooooo!!" Arsalqueridelwen screamed at the sky, standing over Pip's lifeless body.  
"Damn you! Damn you all to hell!" She shook her dainty fist at the sky that poured out rain as if to cry along with her and collapsed on the dead body.  
  
And now.....on Mary fellowship of the Sue ring.....  
  
The night had been long and uneventful, being sexless......as no one had sex....  
Legolas woke up early, ...being that he doesn't sleep anyways.........and glanced around the clearing. Arsalqueridelwen wasn't in sight. He looked again quickly to make sure everyone was in their beds alone and despite Sam and Frodo cuddling, things were normal and boring. He nodded approvingly and strolled down to the stream. He found the sickeningly stunning Arsalqueridelwen sitting and dangling her bare feet into the water. He felt bad for the people downstream....  
She turned her head to smile at him. Her hair was slightly wet and hung together like little metal yellow beads, or like long strips of wire someone spray painted yellow, ...it was breathtaking. He went to sit down next to her.  
"So....sup?" He said, unable to look away from her face or even make reasonably believable conversation for the time period. She sighed heavily and her nostrils flared in an unflattering way. Legolas was a little turned off and managed to look away, staring down at the sparkling water.  
"Im okay, I cant stop thinking about my family though." She said with her angelic voice. He nodded and didn't ask, he didn't want to push her.....not emotionally at least.  
"Well, if you must know....my mother, the most powerful and beautiful elf to have ever elfed...." She started anyways.  
"She died when I was young...all my sisters left and my rich and powerful kingly father was left to raise me..."  
"That explains a lot..." Legolas muttered staring down at the mud trailing from her dirty feet, he really felt bad for the people downstream.  
"Huh?" She turned to look at him with a quizzical cock of her head.  
"Oh um, nothing.." He looked back at her and was once again entranced by her beautiful beauty. Completely forgetting about the nostril incident just a few moments ago he fell in love with her again, staring at her eyes that sparkled like a million glass grasshoppers were scattering around in her eyes as they died slowly from suffocation......what with being covered in glass and all....savages.  
She smiled, parting her lips-shaped-like-leaves-that-were-shaped-like- pretty-lips lips. He leaned forwards, dreamy eyed.  
"Cannonball!!!!" A loud husky voice boomed. They looked up and across the pond just in time to see a Ringwraith splash into the cool water. The other wraiths laughed and stepped up to the edge, before finally seeing the two elves. They stopped and stared. There was a long pause of silence.  
"Yikes........this is awkward.." One of them said. The one who did the cannonball surfaced and faced his friends.  
"Aw dude, did you see that!? Sweet!" He laughed before realizing the bewilderment on their non existent faces and turned slowly around.  
"Oh...."  
Arsalqueridelwen and Legolas ever so slowly started to stand up.  
"I mean....Shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee............. .... Baaaaaaaaaagggggggggiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssssss!!!!" He hissed loudly. In a second there was commotion and movement, the other Ringwraith's ran back to their own camp to get their horses while the other one climbed out and dried off.  
"Talk about your dumb luck!" One said to the other as they ran.  
"Dude, I don't even know what were doing here anyways." And with that they jumped on their horses.  
Arsalqueridelwen and Legolas hurried back to camp to find everyone eating a hardy breakfast. They opened their mouths to speak but a loud horrible shriek told the others everything they needed to know.  
"Yeah that..." Legolas said, packing up his stuff. They started to run but turned around to see Arsalqueridelwen standing and facing the river her long bow drawn.  
"You go! I'll take care of them..." She said powerfully, flashing her green eyes to them. Gandalf rolled his eyes.  
"Right...your going to kill the things that couldn't be killed by Elrond, me or Aragorn?" He scoffed. Arsalqueridelwen simply nodded and gave them all a sad look filled with.....sadness.  
"I can do it....Go!" She said again, the sound of hooves and yelling growing louder.  
"Fine....whatev...lets go..." Gandalf and Gimli rushed forwards dragging Frodo along. After words of courage they were reluctantly followed by the others as they raced away from the fracas.  
"That lass is a wee bit messed up in the head." Gimli said quietly to Gandalf, who nodded and continued forwards.  
  
They finally had to stop after a while of running. Legolas sighed heavily, not thinking of Arsalqueridelwen, but thinking 'damn these slow ass hobbit's.'  
They sat down on various rocks, trying to figure out which way to go next. Frodo sobbed and sniffled, leaning on Sam for support. His cries grew louder, like a wounded puppy he howled and wept. The others were sad to, but felt this was Frodo's area, and let him have the spotlight.  
"What's all this crying about." A voice came from further in the woods. Arsalqueridelwen stepped out from the tree's smiling like a girl who just escaped death..........  
"Your...alive!" They all rejoiced, smiling and clapping. A delicate trail of blood filtered down her soft cheek where she got cut and she looked away.  
"Yes.....just barely." She put a dainty hand to her forehead and sat down on a rock to be tended by the others.  
"Woah...woah, freakin' woah.....your telling me....you either defeated the Ringwraith's, or escaped and either way all you got was that little cut?" Gandalf scoffed dropping his staff on the ground. Arsalqueridelwen nodded pathetically, wiping a strand of flowy golden hair from her brow.  
"It is indeed a miracle..." She said, her grass colored eyes lighting up like green lanterns hanging in a poorly lit room with only one window that no one likes to stay in. Gandalf shook his head and sighed heavily.  
"Im just gonna stop trying and go with it..."  
  
Wait and see....what happens in chapter three! Could it be? A cameo from........well you'll see.  
  
R&R -PBee and Jay 


	3. The plot thickens like pudding

Jay and I have gone...to an island somewheres, to chill with zombies....and wait for a hottie (Michael Kelly *drools* ) to join us..........back to writing now!! Eeeeee!  
  
When we last left our ship of fellows they were still trekking along on their quest to get laid....oh.....what? Oh sorry, on their quest to destroy that one ring. *Spinning Mary Sue logo*  
  
Arsalqueridelwen trudged on with the group, and even having a severe cheek injury didn't slow her down. A trooper if there ever was one, a survivor, a soldier, one who keeps walking, a walker, a device to help old folks.............  
The others admired her courage and kept striving on too, mostly for fear of looking like wimps. Gimli looked back momentarily and nodded.  
"That lass has courage!" He said to Gandalf.  
"Dammit Gimli, say it don't spray- "He stopped himself suddenly, realizing what Gimli had said and turned to him.  
"Not you too! Gimli snap out of it! Game over man! Game over!" He grabbed the dwarfs shoulders and shook him violently like one might shake a jar of low fat French Vanilla creamer before using it.  
"What's the problem? Are we near our destination?" Arsalqueridelwen stepped beside them and gave a look further up the path. Gandalf dropped a dizzy Gimli and rolled his eyes again.  
"You do realize how far away Mordor is right?" He said staring at her. She got a dramatic look and turned to look at the sky.  
"It doesn't matter how far or near it may or may not probably will be. I shall journey onwards, forwards to protect this great land and those in it!" She raised a hand to her forehead and posed. Uproarious clapping came from behind them as the others watched in awe at her strength.  
"So where are we headed?" Aragorn appeared in the story beside them like a little kid, wanting to be involved in the hoopla.  
"Well.....we could go up the mountain, only to realize its far to windy and cold, then elf boy would embarrass us by showing off.....end result....we must go through the mines of Moria!" Gandalf said with a sigh.  
"The....Mines of Moria?!" Arsalqueridelwen said ominously. Gandalf nodded.  
"The....the the.....Mines of Moria?" Aragorn and Boromir stuttered. Gandalf rolled his eyes.  
"Yes already...."  
"The Mines..................of Moria." Gimli said proudly.  
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID ALREADY!" Gandalf erupted shouting at him.  
"The..." Frodo started but Gandalf gave him a mean look and he shut up quickly. Arsalqueridelwen stepped forwards ahead of the group.  
"Fine, you needn't worry Frodo, I shall protect you!" Her silky raven hair, as dark as a thousand black nights that have been spilled with dark ink made from blackness shined in the midday sun.  
"I thought your hair was blond....." Gandalf frowned. She nodded.  
"It changes when I am about to face great peril and danger...." She stared off into the distance, probably seeing how far she could see without hurting her eyes.  
"A curse sent down upon me by my (just now mentioned) jealous aunt." Awww.  
"Dye job..." Gimli whispered softly and Gandalf nodded.  
"Very well...lets go then." And they started walking again, led by the fierce and beautiful, fiercely beautiful Arsalqueridelwen. And despite her having never been here before, she somehow knew the way.....somehow.  
  
* * Meanwhile!  
* *  
  
Sauron sat tapping his fingers on his black throne.  
"Where's my latte!?!?" He shouted in a bellowing voice. A nervous orc rushed into the room holding a tiny tray and cup. Sauron grabbed it and took a drink, the orc shaking beside him.  
"I SAID NO SUGAR!" Sauron tossed the cup back to the orc and it rushed out again to fix the coffee. Sauron's such a snob.  
"Mr. Sauron?" Another nervous orc peeked in.  
"Yeeeeaaaaasssss?" He said impatiently.  
"Ringwraith number 1 here to see you.....and Saruman's on the Palantir again.."  
"Ugh....send him in....and tell that whiner....that....im visiting my mother..." He waved an armored hand and sighed.  
"But sir....you're the dark lord.....you...um...have no mother...." The orc said nervously.  
"THEN MAKE SOMETHING UP!!! Tell him im on vacation!! Jeez!!" He roared and the orc jumped out. A moment later and the main....wraith bad guy stepped in, his cloak fluttering in the non-breeze.  
"Did you capture her yet?" Sauron growled.  
"Uh...n-no sir. Not yet....we got close but she's really very strong." He said.  
"WHAT? I need her here! She could cause great trouble out there!!" He slammed his fist down. The wraith jumped but kept talking.  
"But....um....sir. You've told us to...capture her...but can we ask why? She's just an elf...why not kill her....or better yet get Bob to do it....he's new and all....Why?"  
"That's how it always is in these stories..." Sauron said under his breath.  
"What?" The wraith asked, leaning closer.  
"NOTHING! She's very powerful! And I have a needlessly extravagant plot planned involving her and her power! So bring her to me! And without anymore questions!" He screamed again and the wraith shuffled out.  
"So hard to find good work....." Sauron grumbled. "But soon.....I shall have the power I need to do anything I want! Blockbuster will never charge me with late fee's again!!! MUAAHAHAHA!" His cackling echoed throughout Mordor and stretched across middle earth like a bad smell from rotting garbage left in a hardly used room.  
  
Back in the woods they neared the door of Moria and night started to fall upon the party. They paused for a minute to eat, Arsalqueridelwen sitting apart from the others and staring out into the distance as she often did when....well when anything happened. Aragorn stepped up to her and sat down.  
"Your power is great. I admire you for that..." He said smiling at her.  
"Its cause you got a thing for elves perv..." She muttered softly.  
"Huh?" He cocked his head to the side...........(hehehe....)  
She turned to him and her delicate pink lips curved into a  
smile.  
"Oh nothing....um...thank you...brave Aragorn....your words mean much to me." Her green eyes sparkled in the growing night. Sparkled like green fruit juice, spilled on a clean white linoleum floor your mom just cleaned. Aragorn turned away quickly and clutched his necklace, thinking of Arwen.  
"Ohhh. That's pretty! Zales?" Arsalqueridelwen asked, peering at the shiny necklace.  
"What? Um...no...my female friend gave this to me....my Arwen friend......a girl friend of mine named....Arwen....." He sighed softly. What a dilemma choosing between two stunning elf gals.  
"I see...." Arsalqueridelwen stood up and smiled at him.  
"Have hope Aragorn, that all will work out in the end."  
"Of this rambling story?" Sam asked, speaking for the first time.  
"No you dolt, in life!" Arsalqueridelwen let her pleather couch green eyes sparkle at them some more before going to find Legolas. It was indeed a tough time for them, and soon they would journey into the mines. The legendary casino mines of Moria, where one scarcely came out with any money.....let alone...your life!  
  
Next time....into the mines...oooooh.....Short chap, I know. -Pbee and Jay love you! 3 


End file.
